


Devil Side

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Arguing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 17:25:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8111014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When they agreed to work things out neither Sam nor Lucifer knew just how difficult things would be. Sometimes they make mistakes. And one time, when Sam just can’t take all the difficulties anymore, he does something unforgivable.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song "Devil Side" by Foxes.

_Run and hide, it's gonna be bad tonight_  
Cause here comes your devil side  
It's gonna ruin me

Sam tried, God _knew_ he did, but Lucifer didn’t make it easy for him. Sometimes, despite Sam’s best efforts to understand and to empathize – situations often escalated. A small thing could blow up so much that he doubted his sanity and sometimes, even if it hurt, his will to go on like this. It wasn’t that Lucifer did any of this on purpose either, which was kind of the worst thing. If he would, Sam could just end it, but like this? Lucifer gave it his very best and Sam _appreciated_ that, even if it still got out of hand so often that he hated it.

Lucifer wasn’t human, he would never be. Sam had accepted that a long time ago and the agreement to try and work on the space between them was two-sided – they both wanted it. The things Lucifer had been through – in the cage and afterwards – ultimately left their imprint on his existence, but the way he kept everything to himself was ruining Sam slowly. He too had been through a lot, despite never being able to fully understand the effect eons of imprisonment had on Lucifer, so it wasn’t that he didn’t try, really. He did. There was just no communication, barely any sort of showing that Lucifer even understood him even. How could he not snap sometimes, even if he tried his hardest to prevent it? Especially if Lucifer was, once again, acting like a stubborn child that refused to listen after he screwed something up – of course knowing full well that he did?

 “I don’t understand why you overreact like this,” Lucifer said in a monotone voice, while Sam tried his very hardest to wash the blood out of his favorite shirt. “It was just a demon after all.”

“Yes, a demon I was _interrogating_ , Lucifer!” Sam was visibly angry, ever since Lucifer had shown up in the dungeon. “I don’t care if you tried to help, I was so close to getting the information and you ruined everything!”

“He was about to break free.”

“He was not and you _know_ it!” Sam glared up at the angel. “You keep killing demons who betrayed you, I know it! He wasn’t the first and he won’t be the last either.”

“They deserve no better,” Lucifer huffed and crossed his arms. “They swore loyalty to me and with the first opportunity they got they turned on me. It’s only appropriate that they pay for it.”

_It's almost like slow motion suicide  
Watching your devil side get between you and me_

Sam had fought for half an hour to not explode, to maybe find a better reason than treason Lucifer might had up his sleeve, but this was the last straw. He finally had enough. Sam slammed the soaked flannel into the sink, splashing water over himself in the process, and finally lost his self-control.

“Okay, fine!” he growled, “You know what? I’m done! I have it up here, Mr. they-deserve-it!”

Lucifer watched in silence how Sam gathered the duffle bag he had brought into the bathroom and dug through it for a new shirt.

“You want to run around killing demons? Go ahead! I’m through with this, I can’t stand your arrogance and complete lack of empathy anymore!” Sam finally found a sweater he slid into, before throwing the bag at Lucifer, who caught it with surprise.

“What are you doing?” Lucifer asked, but Sam didn’t even look at him.

“I’m _leaving_!” he spat back, anger filling his voice completely now.

“You can’t just… leave.”

“Oh, I can’t, really? You can do whatever you want, just look what you did in there!” Sam pointed towards the dungeon, his lip jerking slightly just as he thought about the mess Lucifer had created in it. “I’ll leave and find someone else to get the information from and if you even _think_ about following me, I swear I’ll be gone for good! I can’t do this anymore, I mean it!”

“Sam, do you think I would have killed this useless abomination if he could have given you _any_ information about your case?”

“Damn right, I do! You don’t _think_ , Lucifer! You _never_ think! You just do what comes to your mind, without thinking about the consequences and, honestly, I’m just _sick_ of it!”

 _So tell me what I need to do_  
To get myself away from you  
To keep myself from going down  
All the way down with you

With these words Sam turned on his heels and stomped out of the bathroom, not even caring if Lucifer wanted to add anything or not. He was too angry to stay and if he kept talking to the angel he would erupt even more – a volcano was nothing compared to him right now. For weeks he had been on this case, investigated, interrogated witnesses and demons and today, finally, he had found this one; and Lucifer ruined everything with his twisted craving for revenge. No, this was one too many, definitely. It would take forever to find another demon with useful information now and the time was running out. If Sam wanted to end the nightmare plaguing this town, he had to do it _without_ angelic interferences.

Back in his room, Sam grabbed the spare duffle bag he kept under the bed and gathered the things he would need to end this on his own – salt, holy water, the usual hunter stuff. He would borrow the Impala, so there was no need to pack weapons too. All he wanted now was get away as fast as he could, before –

“Sam, please, can we talk about this?”

Lucifer, of _course_. Sam dropped the bottle of holy water in his hand and spun around.

 _Still I want you, but not for your devil side_  
Not for your haunted life  
Just for you  
So tell me why I deal with your devil side  
I deal with your dangerous mind  
But never with you 

“No, we won’t!” He growled, his hands clenching to fists just at how Lucifer stood in the doorframe – almost innocent and as if he had done _nothing_ wrong. “I’m sure there are lots of other traitors you need to punish, why don’t you go do that and leave me alone?”

 “Sam, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Lucifer said quietly, the calm of his voice slowly cracking as he spoke. “This demon couldn’t have given you anything, I promise you that.”

“You promise me?” Sam scoffed and, to his own surprised, laughed out loud. “The Devil makes a promise! Everyone call the news, a miracle happened! We are fucking _blessed_!”

Lucifer stared at Sam in complete disbelieve and shock and Sam, just as shocked by his own words, immediately stopped laughing and met his eyes with his own. Something terrible just happened, Sam realized it the second his gaze met Lucifer’s. Without thinking, too blinded by his own anger and frustration, he had made an unforgivable mistake.

“Lucifer, I –“

Shaking his head, Lucifer dropped his gaze and disappeared into thin air right in front of the hunter, leaving just a heavy silence in the air.

“Shit…”

Sam’s knees became weak the second the angel was gone and he sank on the bed without any strength in him left. The realization of what he had just done – of how deeply he must have hurt Lucifer with his careless words – was overwhelming. He didn’t even think about leaving anymore, in fact there was only one thought filling his mind right now and it was not a pleasant one: he had fucked up gloriously.

_Who's gonna save you now?  
Who's gonna save you?_

This was the one and only thing he never, under any circumstances, had believed himself. He never saw Lucifer as the Devil and he would _never_ call him that – at least he thought so until now. How could he have been so thoughtless and cruel when he didn’t even _mean_ it like that? Or did he and his anger just spilled a truth he never admitted to himself out of fear?

“No, that’s stupid,” Sam shook his head and forced himself to look at the hands on his knees. “I _never_ thought of him like that,” his voice became steady with the last word, his fingers digging into his thighs.

Still, no matter how much he told himself he didn’t mean it, he had just called Lucifer the worst thing imaginable – the one thing he was not. There was no taking it back, especially not with the reaction it had caused and with the look of utter betrayal Sam had spotted in the angel’s usually bright blue eyes. He, who had promised to not treat Lucifer the way everyone else, even his own brother, did, had just bluntly called him the Devil.

“I’m so damn stupid,” Sam groaned and covered his face with his hands.

What now? Should he stay here and continue to tell himself what a huge mistake he just made or should he go and look for Lucifer and apologize? Would he even listen after this horrible insult? Sam didn’t know. All he knew was, that he had just destroyed the little bit of trust they had built up over the last months and all because of a stupid dead demon that wouldn’t have been able to help him anyways. After all, demons lied. Lucifer had never lied to him and Sam knew that, always had. The only thing even worse Sam could have called him was a monster, even though Devil was not much better. He just had to do something, no matter if he could fix it or not – he had to try.

 _I can't lie but I do miss those times_  
We were on the high  
I thought it would never end  
But you and I have come from the same long line  
Good kids with a devil side  
Just going around again

Sighing, Sam pushed himself off the bed and weighed his options. Lucifer was most likely gone from the bunker and he couldn’t even blame him – didn’t he tell him to leave him along and that he had enough? So, the question was, how could he find him and what on earth would he say if he did?

“It doesn’t matter, I _have_ to find him.”

Determined, Sam first checked Lucifer’s room just to make sure. He found it unlocked and, not much to his surprise, empty. The place the angel’s phone usually laid though – a device he so rarely used they could have saved themselves the money – was empty as well. Frowning, Sam took his own phone out and scrolled through his contacts until he found Lucifer’s number. For a moment his finger hovered over the display, but then he shook his head and turned it off. Not yet. Maybe he was still around somewhere. And if not Sam could still call him – he had taught Lucifer how to use the phone after all.

After checking the remaining rooms in the bunker, including a dungeon that was as clean as it should have been, Sam realized that Lucifer was, indeed, gone. Why he had cleaned up the blood, Sam didn’t know – even though he could imagine pretty well. Damn, he had really snapped, worse than he thought – and it looked as if the angel he had mistreated so horrible was not planning to return anymore. With a bitter taste in his mouth, he realized that the real monster here was _not_ the one who had left.

Sam took his phone out again and this time dialed Lucifer’s number, hoping that he would at least take the call and listen, even if he couldn’t do much more now.

 _So tell me what I need to do_  
To get myself away from you  
To keep myself from going down  
All the way down with you  
All the way down with you

A familiar sound told Sam that his call had just been declined. Frowning, the hunter ended the call. Okay, Lucifer didn’t want to talk – understandable after Sam had exploded like this – but his phone was on at least. Which, luckily, meant that he had another option of finding him: tracking the phone.

Knowing that Lucifer would probably not be happy about it, Sam went onto his laptop and opened the software they used to locate their phones – in case someone vanished during a case or for whatever reason. It wasn’t really the best thing to do, but he had to find Lucifer. After a few minutes of clicking through screens and typing numbers, Sam heard the ring he wanted to hear, indicating the phone had been located. Unwillingly, Sam smiled when he realized where Lucifer had gone.

After closing the laptop, Sam made his way to the garage and took one of the spare cars for a short ride. It only took fifteen minutes to get to the spot he had located the phone at and when he exited the car he already saw the silhouette sitting near the small lake. Sam braced himself for whatever would happen when he walked over to Lucifer, but the angel wasn’t startled – it seemed like he expected the visit.

“I really didn’t mean to upset you, Sam,” Lucifer’s voice was quiet and filled with regret, something Sam heard very rarely when he spoke.

Carefully, Sam sat down a little next to the angel and looked over the lake just the way the other did.

“You didn’t upset me, I need to apologize, not you,” he sighed. “What I said… I didn’t mean it, really. I was just so angry and let it out on you…”

“No, you just said the truth,” Lucifer shook his head. “I am what you said and I proved it with my careless actions. I had no right to interfere.”

“He was useless anyways, as you said…”

For a few minutes both were silent, the only sound coming from the wind and a small group of ducks a few feet away. The peaceful atmosphere of this place was something Sam knew Lucifer enjoyed, without ever telling him. When they had started to work on getting along, Lucifer had often walked here with him and they just sat at the lake for a while, without saying much. Sam missed those times.

 _I want you, but not for your devil side_  
Not for your haunted life  
Just for you   
So tell me why it's always your devil side  
It's always your dangerous mind  
It's never you  
So who's gonna save you now?  
Who's gonna save you?

“I never saw you as the Devil, I mean it,” Sam finally said, his heart heavy in his chest. “I know it’s not easy and I know sometimes I don’t make it easy for you either, because I don’t know _how_.”

“I don’t make it easy for you myself,” Lucifer turned his head slightly, a weak smile on his lips. “I feel like I will never belong into your home, no one really wants me there – not your brother, not Castiel and not you either.”

“That’s not true,” Sam shook his head with a stern look in his eyes. “I _want_ you there, but the way things are nothing is getting better, only worse. We need to _communicate_ , Lucifer. If you keep acting like it’s beneath you to even _talk_ to me, how are we supposed to work anything out?”

Lucifer seemed confused for a moment, before his lips curled into a brighter smile.

“Beneath me to talk to you?” he asked, almost amused. “Sam, if one of us is beneath the other, it’s certainly me.”

“Y-You?”

“Of course. After everything I have done, to you and this world and my own family, you would have every right to throw me back into the cage to rot there for the rest of eternity. That you allow me to stay – in your own home, the place you find peace at – is more than I ever deserved.”

Hearing those words hurt Sam, especially with the things he had said earlier. Lucifer shouldn’t feel like this – not everything he had done was bad and he visibly tried to be helpful, even if it sometimes didn’t work out. Sam had not forgotten what Lucifer told him all those years ago and he probably never would, but now it seemed like the angel himself didn’t believe his own words anymore.

“Everyone deserves a chance, Lucifer,” Sam eventually said, sighing. “You never said I deserve to rot in hell either, and I have done bad things myself. You… had reasons. Maybe what you did wasn’t always right or thought through, but…”

“But, what?”

“I was about to say ‘humans are like that’, but I insulted you enough already.”

Lucifer smiled and shook his head at Sam’s words – not an insult, just something he had noticed over the time he lived in the bunker himself.

“Maybe humans aren’t so bad after all,” he said. “Some of them are good, like you.”

“You know, Dean would disagree with that,” Sam chuckled. “I want to _help_ you, really. I want to work on knowing you better, understanding why you do what you do. But you have to _let_ me, there’s no other way.”

 _So tell me what I need to know_  
To make you want to change it all  
To keep myself from going down  
All the way down with you  
All the way down with you

“You sound like Gabriel sometimes,” Lucifer smiled and let his eyes wander over the lake again. “Always the first to step between me and bad decisions and always getting hurt in the process. You know I will never see humans the way you do – I admit some, like you, are good and worth living, but the majority will always be murderous and dangerous monsters in my eyes.”

“Why don’t you help me save the good ones then?” Sam asked, drawing Lucifer’s attention back at him. “I can’t apologize enough for what I said before, I didn’t mean any of it. I know I can’t take it back, but I promised to not lie to you – just as you did – and I won’t. You don’t have to be cold, Lucifer, not to me. I’m not perfect, far from that, but I try to do the right thing.”

“Then tell me why you want me around,” Lucifer suddenly said, startling Sam for a moment. “Why, after all I put you through – after the apocalypse and the cage and your hallucinations. Why do you want me to stay?”

Sam looked down at his hands, his sudden loss of words confusing and dumbfounding. How could he answer this question so Lucifer would understand? It wasn’t something he could lay a finger on; more like a feeling deep inside of him that was only there when Lucifer was around and that was almost… divine. Finding the right words to answer this question was hard.

“I don’t know, really,” Sam finally sighed, unable to voice his feelings out. “I’m not mad because of what happened, I know you were driven to what you did. But I feel… _calm_ when you are near me...”

“Calm, are you sure about that?”

Sam raised a brow, then remembered his outburst of anger from before, and laughed out.

“Okay, _most_ of the time. Other times I want to strangle you with your own belt. Better?”

“No, but the truth,” Lucifer smiled. “I appreciate your help, Sam, and if I seem ungrateful at times it’s not because I am. It’s been eons since anyone showed me a kindness like yours, I’m not used to it anymore.”

Sam smiled and, in a twinge of relief and comfort, laid a hand on Lucifer’s shoulder.

“You, too, deserve kindness. I can see that you try, but maybe we should stop trying alone. Why don’t we try _together_ , for a change?”

“Together… that would be nice,” Lucifer smiled back. “And, if you want to, I would be more than glad to offer you my hand with cases. I might not know all your customs, but I have some threats to offer.”

“Only if you promise to not kill anyone without my permission – and no humans in general.”

“I will keep my devil side under control, if that’s what you want me to do.”

Sam sighed, suppressing another chuckle that rose in his throat. If anyone would have told him years ago, that he would sit at a lake with Lucifer himself and laugh… he would have deemed them crazy. Lucifer had the talent to make Sam understand, if he really tried. He just wished he would try more often – Sam would give so much for every day to be like this moment.

“Just be you, but talk to me. Anything else will come on its own, okay?”

“I will, Sam,” Lucifer nodded and, almost shy, covered Sam’s hand on his shoulder with his own. “I will.”


End file.
